making baby

Wow.  Talk about 'where does the time go?'... and two, almost three more months have flown right on by...

Where have I been?  The garden pic from my last post looks so cute and demure compared to the jungle that is out there right now.  Mother Nature truly is amazing.  Yes, there's been lots of growth going on, outside and in.  And that's where I've been.  Making baby.  I'm preggo with number three!  I'm still in a bit of shock hearing myself say this.  I always knew I would have two, and I guess occasionally I entertained the idea that I might have one more than that, if things were going really well.  After Phoenix was born, I was pretty adamant that there would be no more.  But Atom and Adobe both worked on me for awhile, and eventually, especially as Phoenix works his way out of babyhood, the idea of doing it just one more time started to sound appealing.  And here we are.  I have to admit, I'm a little overwhelmed at the prospect of being a mother of three - already, two is quite a job.  But, I figure that a woman who can manage three children has a different command of the world.

This was the roughest first trimester yet.  I have been exhausted.  And puky feeling.  And generally feeling like a zombie.  Luckily, I have not actually thrown up once.  Now I am starting to see the light of day, although I must admit I'm still pretty worthless if I don't have coffee in my system by about 2 in the afternoon.  I've been totally off my routine.  But I feel so fortunate to be able to just be, go with the flow, and allow myself all the extra rest my body has needed, and really experience what my body is going through.

Making a baby is alot of work!  It is truly amazing if you think about what is taking place in a woman's body during this time.  We all begin, every single one of us (our current physical selves, anyway), from a single cell!  Yes, we all learn about this at some point in biology, but how many times in your life have you really stopped to consider this fact and marvel at how miraculous that is? 

And then, the being grows, and grows, and grows.  As a mother, this is a truly surreal experience.  First there are the symptoms and first signs of change happening with your body.  Then, you start to feel little flutters of undeniable evidence that there is indeed another being coming alive inside of you.  The bump begins to grow, and grow, and grow.  Next thing you know, you have this 'alien life form' completely taking over your body.   I am especially fascinated by imagining (having experienced it twice now) what the displacement of all my organs looks like.  Because, believe me, they move.  Muscle memory is amazing.  I can feel all my womb's fellow internals preparing already, which is much earlier than with the other two.  The body remembers; it has been through this before and recognizes the current state of affairs, and it knows full well what is to come.  I can feel things shifting already. 

From Lennart Nilsson's A Child Is Born

Now, I'm at about 17 weeks.  This is probably a good estimate of what my baby looks like right about now.  I've been able to feel it move a few times.  It's quite exciting.  Last night, the kids and I were playing with the stethoscope to see if we could hear anything.  We heard some sounds, but weren't sure if they were the baby or my own body.

I feel so thankful to be able to take time to connect, with my own body, and with the little spirit who is taking form in me now.  And indeed, I feel thankful to do it one more time.  It is a truly miraculous experience, all of it, the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, and birthing of oneself as a mother, even when it's not the first time. 

When I was pregnant with Adobe, there was so much going on, I was so busy, that I don't feel like I really was able to take much time to connect with myself and the little baby inside of me.  I was finishing my Fine Arts degree at the Corcoran, teaching tap 6 days a week and running my performance company, dcArtistry:tap&drum - basically running non-stop like a chicken with my head cut off.  Plus, there was a lot of turmoil in my personal life.  With Phoenix, things were much more stable, and a bit calmer, but I still don't feel like I really took the time to connect with my self and my baby the way I could have.

Fortunately, with both of them, the labor and birth, despite being quite long, were awesome.  Home birth with both, over two weeks 'past due date' with both, over 24 hours labor with both after a month of practice contractions, and Phoenix was born in water.  All quite hard work, and exhausting, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.  I'm planning another water birth at home and drawing on some new inner resources this time.  It would be nice if things move along a little quicker this time.  You know what they say, "third time's a charm."

Another thing that will bring me a special connection this time around:  I've decided, with enthusiastic encouragement from local midwife Tammi McKinley, to offer childbirth classes specifically geared toward women/couples who plan to birth either at home or a birth center.  The classes will incorporate body-mind connection, visualization, art, spirituality, and ceremony/ritual, with influences from various resources, as well as my own research and experiences.  I'm developing my curriculum now, and plan to launch this fall.  (See boundlessbirth.com ).  I will continue to offer my photography services, as well as Reiki for women & babies, and individualized art sessions.  More on all that to come. 

today was a good day

Beautiful Adobe woke up wart-free this morning.  Our beautiful girl developed a wart on her chin some months ago.  First it appeared as a tiny little bump, and then it grew, and grew, and grew.  Atom teased her that she got it from being mean to her parents.  She was very self-conscious about it.  So, last night Atom proved his skills as family surgeon.  He very carefully cut it off with an Exacto blade.  Yes.  I know it sounds crazy, but it barely hurt her at all, and it seems to have worked like a charm.  So that was great, because it made her so happy that it was gone.
   I've been in a bit of a funk recently - I think partly that the suffering of the world has been weighing heavily on my heart.  But today was a pretty good day.  Trying to stay in the moment helps me so much.  Phoenix and I went to visit with our mama friend Jeneen and our two smaller friends Haiku & Rilke.  It was kind of a surreal morning somehow.  We haven't seen them in over a year, and it was very grounding.  On the way there, I was listening to WPFW & they happened to have a show which was addressing the Palestinian-Israeli conflict.  Atom & I have been talking about that recently, & I've realized that I know very little about what is at the heart of the conflict.  So I turn on the radio, & there was a program that helped make the whole picture a bit clearer to me.  Then, I was very moved by something the hostess said at the end of the broadcast, which is that the people have Haiti have paid a great sacrifice - the souls who gave their lives in this catastrophe have brought people together, united the human family in compassionate acts to help our fellow brothers and sisters, whether we send them food, money, doctors, or our love & prayers.  And that is exactly what humanity needs right now, solidarity, compassion, empathy, love, and peace and justice, which are much harder to obtain.
   So I really appreciated what she had to say, & then we had a wonderful morning with the munchkins, playing at their house, snacking, chatting, strolling, & exploring down by the creek... For a little while, it was raining little ice balls & then started to snow, big fat wet clusters gently floating down through the sky.  Wish I'd gotten a picture dangit!  It was captivating.     
   Then we had some lunch together, Phoenix and I came home (he was screaming & crying - he did not want to leave, but passed out within 5 minutes of being in the car), I did some work, picked up Adobe from the bus stop, invited one of Adobe's newer best friends Katy over, all went for a treat at the local coffee shop.... Then we came back here, the kids got to play, Atom & I hung out in the studio for a long while diggin' deep in conversation while he tidied up & worked on a xylophone he's making from wrenches, ordered some Thai food, and little Miss Adobe got to have Katy spend the night.
  Yeah.  It was a good day.  And now, I'm exhausted.  Time to fold up.