giving thanks for my life, physical work, and lovely weather

Sat., Jan 7:  I give thanks for my life.  We went to a memorial service for a friend who chose to leave this world at the young age of 28.  The outpouring of love for this person was tremendous, and he left behind a family and huge crew of friends who will miss his presence so very much.  Life is such a gift, to be treasured, and though the road can be insufferable at times, we must always remember that others suffer too, that no matter how great our suffering, someone has it worse, and that 'this too shall pass'.  Count your blessings, and keep moving forward.

me & my sweeties in our backyard.  what you see is only a small fraction of the wood around here.  good exercise.  :) 

Sun., Jan 8:  I give thanks for physical work and a healthy body.  I stacked a ton of wood on the front porch today (all of which my darling husband first cut and stacked at the back and side of the house) - which was a good thing apparently, since we got snow yesterday.  I love work like this; it can be very meditative for me.  I am so happy to have a body that works well, with no major aches and pains, in cooperation with my mind and spirit.  During my last pregnancy I was so incredibly sore for a good number of months that I really understood how difficult it must be to live with chronic pain that never goes away.  At least I knew, or hoped, that mine would subside once this lovely little being finally emerged into the world.  I cannot imagine suffering like that with no end in sight.  I will offer the insight, however, that meditation helped me tremendously with the pain, on the days I had the wherewithal to make myself sit mindfully still for at least ten minutes. 

Mon., Jan 9:  I give thanks for the weather!  The snow was lovely, and it's nice to have a change of seasons, change of scenery, change of ambience, and yes, even a change of temperature.  It's so silly when we complain about the weather, and some people always seem to want it to be something other than what it is.  I love it all.  True, I'm a bit wimpy about the cold in wintertime, however, I have my awesome wood stove and that makes it so much more enjoyable.  I love keeping the fire burnin'.

making baby

Wow.  Talk about 'where does the time go?'... and two, almost three more months have flown right on by...

Where have I been?  The garden pic from my last post looks so cute and demure compared to the jungle that is out there right now.  Mother Nature truly is amazing.  Yes, there's been lots of growth going on, outside and in.  And that's where I've been.  Making baby.  I'm preggo with number three!  I'm still in a bit of shock hearing myself say this.  I always knew I would have two, and I guess occasionally I entertained the idea that I might have one more than that, if things were going really well.  After Phoenix was born, I was pretty adamant that there would be no more.  But Atom and Adobe both worked on me for awhile, and eventually, especially as Phoenix works his way out of babyhood, the idea of doing it just one more time started to sound appealing.  And here we are.  I have to admit, I'm a little overwhelmed at the prospect of being a mother of three - already, two is quite a job.  But, I figure that a woman who can manage three children has a different command of the world.

This was the roughest first trimester yet.  I have been exhausted.  And puky feeling.  And generally feeling like a zombie.  Luckily, I have not actually thrown up once.  Now I am starting to see the light of day, although I must admit I'm still pretty worthless if I don't have coffee in my system by about 2 in the afternoon.  I've been totally off my routine.  But I feel so fortunate to be able to just be, go with the flow, and allow myself all the extra rest my body has needed, and really experience what my body is going through.

Making a baby is alot of work!  It is truly amazing if you think about what is taking place in a woman's body during this time.  We all begin, every single one of us (our current physical selves, anyway), from a single cell!  Yes, we all learn about this at some point in biology, but how many times in your life have you really stopped to consider this fact and marvel at how miraculous that is? 

And then, the being grows, and grows, and grows.  As a mother, this is a truly surreal experience.  First there are the symptoms and first signs of change happening with your body.  Then, you start to feel little flutters of undeniable evidence that there is indeed another being coming alive inside of you.  The bump begins to grow, and grow, and grow.  Next thing you know, you have this 'alien life form' completely taking over your body.   I am especially fascinated by imagining (having experienced it twice now) what the displacement of all my organs looks like.  Because, believe me, they move.  Muscle memory is amazing.  I can feel all my womb's fellow internals preparing already, which is much earlier than with the other two.  The body remembers; it has been through this before and recognizes the current state of affairs, and it knows full well what is to come.  I can feel things shifting already. 

From Lennart Nilsson's A Child Is Born

Now, I'm at about 17 weeks.  This is probably a good estimate of what my baby looks like right about now.  I've been able to feel it move a few times.  It's quite exciting.  Last night, the kids and I were playing with the stethoscope to see if we could hear anything.  We heard some sounds, but weren't sure if they were the baby or my own body.

I feel so thankful to be able to take time to connect, with my own body, and with the little spirit who is taking form in me now.  And indeed, I feel thankful to do it one more time.  It is a truly miraculous experience, all of it, the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, and birthing of oneself as a mother, even when it's not the first time. 

When I was pregnant with Adobe, there was so much going on, I was so busy, that I don't feel like I really was able to take much time to connect with myself and the little baby inside of me.  I was finishing my Fine Arts degree at the Corcoran, teaching tap 6 days a week and running my performance company, dcArtistry:tap&drum - basically running non-stop like a chicken with my head cut off.  Plus, there was a lot of turmoil in my personal life.  With Phoenix, things were much more stable, and a bit calmer, but I still don't feel like I really took the time to connect with my self and my baby the way I could have.

Fortunately, with both of them, the labor and birth, despite being quite long, were awesome.  Home birth with both, over two weeks 'past due date' with both, over 24 hours labor with both after a month of practice contractions, and Phoenix was born in water.  All quite hard work, and exhausting, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.  I'm planning another water birth at home and drawing on some new inner resources this time.  It would be nice if things move along a little quicker this time.  You know what they say, "third time's a charm."

Another thing that will bring me a special connection this time around:  I've decided, with enthusiastic encouragement from local midwife Tammi McKinley, to offer childbirth classes specifically geared toward women/couples who plan to birth either at home or a birth center.  The classes will incorporate body-mind connection, visualization, art, spirituality, and ceremony/ritual, with influences from various resources, as well as my own research and experiences.  I'm developing my curriculum now, and plan to launch this fall.  (See boundlessbirth.com ).  I will continue to offer my photography services, as well as Reiki for women & babies, and individualized art sessions.  More on all that to come. 

where does the time go?

Where does the time go? Two months have flown by, full of lovin and adventure, and travels. More on that to come.

I managed to get everything planted before we left for Mexico, and returned to find everything sprouting.  
Here are the beginnings of the spinach and lettuce.  
They've grown much more since then - we had our first salads 
from the garden this week.  Yay!

     I'm lovin the springtime, the garden is blooming, more beds to be dug, more plants to be planted, and always, lots more fun to be had. The world is our playground. Life is my meditation. My challenge, for myself and to you, is to live each moment in the now, while reflecting on what we have done, and planning what is to be done - remain ever present in the eternal now.

last week: learning & playing

     Life feels so full right now, not in a rushed, frenetic, stressful way, but in a fulfilling, energizing, refreshing, and inspiring way.... I'm totally loving it.  Last was a good week, and last Monday seems like such a long time ago.  I thought I'd share a recap (which I'll do here from time to time, partly for myself, because sometimes I wonder, where did the time go?)
     Most days we begin with our morning routine of waking (well, waking for the kids - I'm up from the ripe hour of 4:45 AM with Atom!), teeth, face, make bed, get dressed, have breakfast, & do some work (not Phoenix of course).  All this happens in a fairly stress-less leisurely manner unless we have some place to be first thing in the morning (meaning by 9:30, 10, or even 10:30).  Then I usually have to find myself saying to Adobe a whole bunch of times, "Come on, we gotta get into hustle mode!  Move along or we won't make it to x, y or z."  And I try to stay calm, and not yell :)  (That's where the meditation comes in handy remember?  Being present and aware of how I say something.  The same exact thing said with a genuine smile sounds so different.)  Typically, morning routine goes from around 8:15-10:30/11, but there's a flex & flow to it, just the way I like.  And my girl is definitely a night-owl and late riser by nature, just like her momma.
     So then, after all or most parts of the morning routine, last week went like this:

Monday - Morning play outside in backyard clubhouse.  It was totally gorgeous out, so Adobe took a bunch of stuff out into the grape arbor and made a really cute club house, and she and Phoenix played outside for awhile.  Then, I called Jeneen to see what they were up to, and we decided to go join her, Stash, Haiku, Rilke, & Amelie at River Farm Garden Park in Alexandria.  

What an absolutely beautiful spot.  The kids had a real blast, making house, picking flowers, exploring, and frolicking barefoot.  Amelie's mom Danielle joined us, and we had great talks.  We stayed for about four hours.   

Tuesday - We went to the homeschool drama club performance of The Crazy Zoo.  This class is led by the fabulous Joshua Rich who creates a new play each session for the group based on the characters they want to play.   Joshua also happens to be a fabulous pianist (sounds a bit like George Winston) so if you're looking for some new good, soothing music, check him out.  Afterwards we went to Hayes Park where the kids all played for about 3 hours.  Phoenix absolutely loves chasing after all the big kids, trying to keep up, alternating between boys and girls.  The whole time at the park, he was off doing his own thing, alone, or with the other kids, and only asked for me once, to help him get on the swing.  Then, on the way home we had a fabulous curb find of two playskool cars and a trike to add to our collection of kiddie vehicles. 

Wednesday - In the morning, we went to a class at Hidden Pond Nature Center.  The kids got to drag the borders of the pond with nets and see what living creatures they could find.  

My first find was a dead turtle :(  But, I got to bring him home so I can dry him out (aka let him rot) and do something cool with the shells.)  We also found freshwater shrimp, a backswimmer, and a damselfly larvae.  Here I learned something new. The damselfly is very similar to a dragonfly, but their bodies are much thinner, and usually when they're at rest, their wings are folded back whereas dragonflys' are out to the sides.) 

     Others found a live turtle, a couple small fish, and other cool stuff.  The guide had containers at pond side to hold the critters, and then, we went back inside the main building where he identified each species, put stuff under the microscope and had a cool setup with a camera looking into the microscope that showed the image on a screen we could all see.  It was very high quality & crystal-clear image.  Super cool.  Then, we played at the playground there for a while, snacked on our lunch, came home to defuse for a few, and then Adobe went to her voice lesson with our friend Kisha, wife of Groovy Nate.  Kisha is helping Adobe prepare a song for her upcoming Talent Show party.

Thursday - We met up at Melanie's house with the families we are doing our collaborative vibe with.  The mommas talked, the kids played.  A good time was had by all. We solidified a little more what our collective will be looking like as we get it going to the point of rotation so that 2 or 3 of us are 'off' during that time.  For the next couple more weeks, we will all be together.  It is so awesome to see the kids of differing ages all playing together, not segregating themselves.  Phoenix, who is the youngest, was going between hanging with the 'big boys' (a 4-yo & two 9-yos), and being babied by the girls (who are turning 6 and 8, on the same day, two Fridays from now!)

Friday - We took a workshop on the Chinese Lunar New Year, offered by Stacy Clark.  That was fun.  She read a story about the Chinese Lunar Year, meanings & symbols, the kids got to make a few different crafts and sample traditional Chinese New Year foods - dumplings and tangerines.  Then, we ran a few errands, and went to Chuck E. Cheese for an hour.  We were supposed to meet up with a couple of friends, but that fell through, so we came home and chilled out for the rest of the day.

Saturday - Adobe had the last class of a drama class she's been taking through Encore Stage.  They did a portion of the Wizard of Oz, and Adobe was the wicked witch.  They had a performance for parents at the end of class.  (I'll have to get pics from our friend - I was shooting video & will share when I get it uploaded.) Afterwards, her friend Katy came over and they hung out, Phoenix slept, Atom was running errands, & I had some alone time for a bit... (That's when I began working on this post, but didn't get to finish... Domestic duties were calling me.)  In the evening, we went to our friends' house in Mt. Rainier - Sara & Domingo.  Great conversation, lovely raw food dinner, yerba maté, fun, & laughter.  And some healing energy. 

Sunday - I spent the day doing a Reiki I, II, & III Master/Teacher workshop.  Very exciting to tap into something I have felt instinctively and begin down this path.  More on that in another post sometime... Adobe had a double-birthday party to go to, and Phoenix and Daddy got some bonding time. 

      I look forward to the day when we can figure out a way for Daddy to have more freedom in his life too.  He has a grueling job as a union welder, working 6 am to 2:30, or 4:30 when they're pulling tens.  Sometimes even longer.  Playing with fire and moving and lifting lots of really heavy stuff, while being really cold about half the year.  I know it's hard to go bust his tail all day every day when we're having fun.  Hopefully as I get my business going more over the next couple years, we'll have more stability and find a different way for him to make a living, hopefully being his own boss.  In the meantime, I think a new job will come his way this year that is not going to be as hard on him.  I'm willing it to happen.

     Atom, I love you, and we really appreciate all the hard work you do, even if we're not always good at showing it; we know that as it stands right now, we owe a large part of our freedom to your hard work & self discipline!  Thank you!!!

there is no religion higher than truth

Aah, the New Year.  The first couple of months are always an interesting time of year for me as I move from the struggle to sort out what's meaningful from the holiday chaos/charades/consumerist whirlwind that everyone seems to find themselves sucked into, in one way or another, from the end of October into January.  If I'm in a cynical mood, 'the holidays' could be seen as one excuse after another to buy a bunch of crap that you or someone else doesn't really need, get drunk, eat too much, overindulge, and get caught up in a whirlwind of empty sentimentality & token phrases that don't actually mean anything.  But I can also enjoy certain aspects to a degree - I have to say, I do actually like some of the Christmas music, the decorations, pretty lights, the spirit of celebration; people tend to be a little more friendly to each other, and exchanging gifts can be fun, if you don't go overboard with it.  When I'm in right mind, I know that this time of year, winter time, is simply a time of rest & renewal, a time to appreciate the beauty & wonder of Mother Nature, to pull close the ones we love & tell them "Thank you.  Thank you for being a part of my life.  Thank you for being the beautiful person that you are.  Thank you for helping me to learn & grow in this adventure as a human being.  Thank you for loving me & receiving my love."
   Thus, my relationship with 'the holidays' is kind of like my relationship with organized religion.  It's just not in my make-up, my fabric as a human being.  I knew from kindergarten and first grade in a Catholic school in rural Indiana that it was not for me.  I felt a lack of questioning around me, incongruities, and I was suspicious of the Story of Creation (On the first day, God created.... On the second day...  and On the seventh day he rested....) that was being taught as a literal occurrence.  And, there was Real Life at that point in life - the reason we moved to Indiana.  My grandfather killed himself because my grandmother was becoming mysteriously ill; just when they were ready to settle into retirement in Florida where they had just bought a house, life took a drastic turn in another direction, and he just couldn't bear it.  Shortly afterward, they discovered that my grandmother had 16 brain tumors, from cancer that had started in her lungs and spread.  Within one year, she deteriorated to the state of infancy before my very eyes, and early one morning, she passed away, as I lay close by sleeping.  The relationships were all complicated emotionally - I could write a whole chapter on that alone - and honestly, only now, 30 years later, do I consider how those particular events must have shaped me.  It was the end of a husband & wife, the end of a father & son, the end of a son & his mother.  And I was just at the beginning.
   So, I found myself feeling total rejection of organized religion and Christianity in particular, for many years.  However, I was decidedly not atheist.  This led me to ask alot of questions, read different things, have lengthy conversations with my dad, my mom, and others, and to arrive at some interesting hypotheses.  At some point, perhaps when I was 18, 19, 20, I began to realize that perhaps I was missing something by my general dismissal of organized religion.  I began to read, alot - esoteric teachings especially, and embrace the good things many of the main religions have to offer.  I read up on certain religions, read some of the Bible and the Qu'ran, teachings of the Buddha, and delved deeper into what was at the heart of each of these teachings.  And a pattern emerged.  I began to feel that in many ways, they were each saying the same things - just in different languages.  Some of the details were different, and all, it seemed to me, were diluted or distorted in various ways from the original teachings, for a variety of reasons - probably first & foremost, no separation of church & state, of religion from law, for centuries upon centuries.  That's a topic for a whole 'nother post. 
   The point is, I realized that it's all about what speaks to you, what helps you find meaning in life, what helps you move forward when the burdens of life seem too much to bear.  So, if Jesus is your homeboy, that's great; if it's Allah that you praise, that's great; if it's the Buddha, Krishna, or whatever other name you choose for the Higher Power, or even if you are an existentialist, atheist, whatever, that's great, if it rings true for you.  We are all seeking balance in our lives, reacting to & interacting with our upbringings, our cultures, our surroundings, our peoples' stories, our own personal stories.... Where religion translates to war is when one people try to force their way on another people, when people try to control one another, try to say that their path is the only Path... We are a people of many languages and many ways, but we are family.
   "There is no religion higher than truth."  And there is no Truth higher than Love.  It is written on my soul.