good to be back

Yes, I'm back!  I have really missed writing here.  Why have I been gone so long?

Well, two reasons: I had a long, drawn-out pregnancy that I really wanted to enjoy, but it was so difficult (a more detailed story of that and the birth, which went fine in the end, later...) that I couldn't really focus on much other than myself, my body, my family, and the little life that was growing in me, more, and more, and more, and more!

laboring away with my enormous melon of a belly and my sweet supportive husband Atom

Tammi checking fetal heart tones

our boy the moment after he was born, when he still had no name...

Takoda Din was born early March 7, at home in a birth tub, almost a full month after his supposed 'due date', after a very long and arduous labor, weighing in at exactly 9.5 pounds.  It was awesome, exhausting, and so incredibly empowering!  My lovely, amazing, and very very patient midwife, Tammi McKinley, was at my house for over 36 hours and never once made me feel pressured in the least.  Atom kept telling me all the right things just when I needed to hear them, when I was totally exhausted and felt like I couldn't go on. 

Reason 2:  So, after I got that over and done with and rebirthed myself yet again, I came to Blogger, and things were all messed up!  They had changed things, and there were some weird bugs going on, and I was so frustrated!  I thought 'What is goin' on here?!  Am I going to have to switch everything over to Word Press?  Or to iWeb where I have much more control of everything visually?'  But, I guess Blogger was having some growing pains too.  But now, today I came here, and everything's more new and pretty fabulous so far!  So I posted something I'd had in draft for months (the Race to Nowhere post).  Thank goodness they got it together, because I really need to write.  And you can tell I'm really excited, because I usually abhor gratuitous use of explanation points!  :)

That's it for now, just wanted to fill you in, in case you've been wondering what happened to me, or happen to notice the huge gap in time here....

'Til next time.... I promise it won't be another 8 months.

And here he is just two weeks ago!  My beautiful angel, baby #3.

sitting up independently for the first time really, at our friend's house <3

a rescue capsule named phoenix

Unexpectedly, shortly after 5 this morning, as I'm doing my daily reading of news, emails and such, I find myself with tears pouring down my face as I come across the story of the first 7 of 33 Chilean miners who were rescued after 69 days of being trapped when 700,000 tons of rock collapsed on August 5, trapping them in the lower reaches of the mine.  That is simply incredible - that's over 2 months that they have been trapped down there!  I can't even begin to imagine what those men have been going through.  What on earth have they been doing with themselves, day in and day out, with no outward indication of course of the passing of days, and just waiting, waiting, waiting?!  Unfathomable.

AP photo: Chile's President Sebastian Pinera embraces Florencio Antonio Avalos Silva, the first miner to be rescued.

 How much food and liquids were they able to get down to these men after discovering on August 22 that they indeed were still alive?  Did they have room to move around down there?  Were their head lamps working still or were they in pitch blackness?

[As a follow-up, post-post, here's a link to an article that addresses these questions...]

I think part of the reason this struck me so hard is because mining is in my blood - my grandfather was the youngest of a family of Irish coal miners, the first to be freed from that hell, and the first to attend school beyond the age of 12.  His father and brothers all worked in the mines, 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, coming home completely black, covered in coal dust - the only thing you could see was their eyes and their teeth - only to return again bright and early the next morning and do it all over again.  I wonder how many miners were buried alive back in the day.  They certainly did not have the technology then that afforded these guys a safe return.  Of course, part of the culprit in the increased frequency of mining accidents is that many mountains, like this one, have been overexploited.  In this case, part of what made the rescue operation difficult and risky is finding sufficient virgin rock through which to drill the escape shaft.

I know these guys were mining copper and gold, not coal, and that work conditions have probably improved a little, but I'm sure it's still extremely hard work, and before this happened, these guys were "nobodys", just busting their tails to support their families.  Now, after enduring hell for over 3 months, they emerge to find themselves thrust into the world spotlight, being welcomed to the surface by their country's President and Vice President!  That's another potential tangent that I won't veer onto, but what a surreal experience it must be.  I also won't veer onto the conundrum that is our industrial/consumerist society, of which I, admittedly, am a part, that drives such mining operations. 

The other thing, silly enough, that sent another wave of tears down my face, is that the 13-foot rescue capsule, used to travel the 2,041 feet down the carefully crafted escape shaft and bring each of these 33 men to safety, one by one, is named Phoenix.  Just perfect.  And I was 33 when I brought this beautiful boy named Phoenix into the world.  (And 13 when I met his papa.  Yes, I have a bit of a thing with numbers...)

Miner Osman Araya arrives as the sixth miner to be hoisted to the surface in Copiapo October 13, 2010. Chile's 33 trapped miners are set to travel nearly half a mile through solid rock in a shaft just wider than a man's shoulders on Tuesday night, as their two month ordeal after a cave-in draws to an end.

REUTERS/Ivan Alvarado (CHILE - Tags: DISASTER BUSINESS)

It's nice to see a story of hope and solidarity, and miracle even, amongst the barrage of hateful happenings of late.  I hope that through last night the rescue operations have proceeded smoothly, and I send love and healing to the men who survived this amazing ordeal.  I'm sure their lives will never be the same.

Here's a link to the full article that I read this morning on Yahoo news.

making baby

Wow.  Talk about 'where does the time go?'... and two, almost three more months have flown right on by...

Where have I been?  The garden pic from my last post looks so cute and demure compared to the jungle that is out there right now.  Mother Nature truly is amazing.  Yes, there's been lots of growth going on, outside and in.  And that's where I've been.  Making baby.  I'm preggo with number three!  I'm still in a bit of shock hearing myself say this.  I always knew I would have two, and I guess occasionally I entertained the idea that I might have one more than that, if things were going really well.  After Phoenix was born, I was pretty adamant that there would be no more.  But Atom and Adobe both worked on me for awhile, and eventually, especially as Phoenix works his way out of babyhood, the idea of doing it just one more time started to sound appealing.  And here we are.  I have to admit, I'm a little overwhelmed at the prospect of being a mother of three - already, two is quite a job.  But, I figure that a woman who can manage three children has a different command of the world.

This was the roughest first trimester yet.  I have been exhausted.  And puky feeling.  And generally feeling like a zombie.  Luckily, I have not actually thrown up once.  Now I am starting to see the light of day, although I must admit I'm still pretty worthless if I don't have coffee in my system by about 2 in the afternoon.  I've been totally off my routine.  But I feel so fortunate to be able to just be, go with the flow, and allow myself all the extra rest my body has needed, and really experience what my body is going through.

Making a baby is alot of work!  It is truly amazing if you think about what is taking place in a woman's body during this time.  We all begin, every single one of us (our current physical selves, anyway), from a single cell!  Yes, we all learn about this at some point in biology, but how many times in your life have you really stopped to consider this fact and marvel at how miraculous that is? 

And then, the being grows, and grows, and grows.  As a mother, this is a truly surreal experience.  First there are the symptoms and first signs of change happening with your body.  Then, you start to feel little flutters of undeniable evidence that there is indeed another being coming alive inside of you.  The bump begins to grow, and grow, and grow.  Next thing you know, you have this 'alien life form' completely taking over your body.   I am especially fascinated by imagining (having experienced it twice now) what the displacement of all my organs looks like.  Because, believe me, they move.  Muscle memory is amazing.  I can feel all my womb's fellow internals preparing already, which is much earlier than with the other two.  The body remembers; it has been through this before and recognizes the current state of affairs, and it knows full well what is to come.  I can feel things shifting already. 

From Lennart Nilsson's A Child Is Born

Now, I'm at about 17 weeks.  This is probably a good estimate of what my baby looks like right about now.  I've been able to feel it move a few times.  It's quite exciting.  Last night, the kids and I were playing with the stethoscope to see if we could hear anything.  We heard some sounds, but weren't sure if they were the baby or my own body.

I feel so thankful to be able to take time to connect, with my own body, and with the little spirit who is taking form in me now.  And indeed, I feel thankful to do it one more time.  It is a truly miraculous experience, all of it, the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, and birthing of oneself as a mother, even when it's not the first time. 

When I was pregnant with Adobe, there was so much going on, I was so busy, that I don't feel like I really was able to take much time to connect with myself and the little baby inside of me.  I was finishing my Fine Arts degree at the Corcoran, teaching tap 6 days a week and running my performance company, dcArtistry:tap&drum - basically running non-stop like a chicken with my head cut off.  Plus, there was a lot of turmoil in my personal life.  With Phoenix, things were much more stable, and a bit calmer, but I still don't feel like I really took the time to connect with my self and my baby the way I could have.

Fortunately, with both of them, the labor and birth, despite being quite long, were awesome.  Home birth with both, over two weeks 'past due date' with both, over 24 hours labor with both after a month of practice contractions, and Phoenix was born in water.  All quite hard work, and exhausting, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.  I'm planning another water birth at home and drawing on some new inner resources this time.  It would be nice if things move along a little quicker this time.  You know what they say, "third time's a charm."

Another thing that will bring me a special connection this time around:  I've decided, with enthusiastic encouragement from local midwife Tammi McKinley, to offer childbirth classes specifically geared toward women/couples who plan to birth either at home or a birth center.  The classes will incorporate body-mind connection, visualization, art, spirituality, and ceremony/ritual, with influences from various resources, as well as my own research and experiences.  I'm developing my curriculum now, and plan to launch this fall.  (See boundlessbirth.com ).  I will continue to offer my photography services, as well as Reiki for women & babies, and individualized art sessions.  More on all that to come. 

extending into heavens

© artis mooney

This is a composite piece that began back in the 90s & has had its most recent incarnation last year as a gift for my husband Atom.  I made the drawing with him in mind when we were dating in our early twenties.  The poem was a separate stroke of inspiration, I believe when I still lived in New York, around the same time, created on an old typewriter.  At some point I combined them using a scanner & photoshop.  I performed the poem in Ireland as part of a show my friend Vivian conceived entitled "In Her Shoes".  Some parts of this were digitally painted, then this version was printed, and finished with watercolor & clear embossing fluid that is shiny and raised.  Enjoy.

there is no religion higher than truth

Aah, the New Year.  The first couple of months are always an interesting time of year for me as I move from the struggle to sort out what's meaningful from the holiday chaos/charades/consumerist whirlwind that everyone seems to find themselves sucked into, in one way or another, from the end of October into January.  If I'm in a cynical mood, 'the holidays' could be seen as one excuse after another to buy a bunch of crap that you or someone else doesn't really need, get drunk, eat too much, overindulge, and get caught up in a whirlwind of empty sentimentality & token phrases that don't actually mean anything.  But I can also enjoy certain aspects to a degree - I have to say, I do actually like some of the Christmas music, the decorations, pretty lights, the spirit of celebration; people tend to be a little more friendly to each other, and exchanging gifts can be fun, if you don't go overboard with it.  When I'm in right mind, I know that this time of year, winter time, is simply a time of rest & renewal, a time to appreciate the beauty & wonder of Mother Nature, to pull close the ones we love & tell them "Thank you.  Thank you for being a part of my life.  Thank you for being the beautiful person that you are.  Thank you for helping me to learn & grow in this adventure as a human being.  Thank you for loving me & receiving my love."
   Thus, my relationship with 'the holidays' is kind of like my relationship with organized religion.  It's just not in my make-up, my fabric as a human being.  I knew from kindergarten and first grade in a Catholic school in rural Indiana that it was not for me.  I felt a lack of questioning around me, incongruities, and I was suspicious of the Story of Creation (On the first day, God created.... On the second day...  and On the seventh day he rested....) that was being taught as a literal occurrence.  And, there was Real Life at that point in life - the reason we moved to Indiana.  My grandfather killed himself because my grandmother was becoming mysteriously ill; just when they were ready to settle into retirement in Florida where they had just bought a house, life took a drastic turn in another direction, and he just couldn't bear it.  Shortly afterward, they discovered that my grandmother had 16 brain tumors, from cancer that had started in her lungs and spread.  Within one year, she deteriorated to the state of infancy before my very eyes, and early one morning, she passed away, as I lay close by sleeping.  The relationships were all complicated emotionally - I could write a whole chapter on that alone - and honestly, only now, 30 years later, do I consider how those particular events must have shaped me.  It was the end of a husband & wife, the end of a father & son, the end of a son & his mother.  And I was just at the beginning.
   So, I found myself feeling total rejection of organized religion and Christianity in particular, for many years.  However, I was decidedly not atheist.  This led me to ask alot of questions, read different things, have lengthy conversations with my dad, my mom, and others, and to arrive at some interesting hypotheses.  At some point, perhaps when I was 18, 19, 20, I began to realize that perhaps I was missing something by my general dismissal of organized religion.  I began to read, alot - esoteric teachings especially, and embrace the good things many of the main religions have to offer.  I read up on certain religions, read some of the Bible and the Qu'ran, teachings of the Buddha, and delved deeper into what was at the heart of each of these teachings.  And a pattern emerged.  I began to feel that in many ways, they were each saying the same things - just in different languages.  Some of the details were different, and all, it seemed to me, were diluted or distorted in various ways from the original teachings, for a variety of reasons - probably first & foremost, no separation of church & state, of religion from law, for centuries upon centuries.  That's a topic for a whole 'nother post. 
   The point is, I realized that it's all about what speaks to you, what helps you find meaning in life, what helps you move forward when the burdens of life seem too much to bear.  So, if Jesus is your homeboy, that's great; if it's Allah that you praise, that's great; if it's the Buddha, Krishna, or whatever other name you choose for the Higher Power, or even if you are an existentialist, atheist, whatever, that's great, if it rings true for you.  We are all seeking balance in our lives, reacting to & interacting with our upbringings, our cultures, our surroundings, our peoples' stories, our own personal stories.... Where religion translates to war is when one people try to force their way on another people, when people try to control one another, try to say that their path is the only Path... We are a people of many languages and many ways, but we are family.
   "There is no religion higher than truth."  And there is no Truth higher than Love.  It is written on my soul.

new traditions

it's been awhile since i've posted, but as we approach the season of rebirth, i feel inspired, and i guess it is a good time to begin again.  this is a great time of year, when everyone gets in the giving spirit, but it's always felt a bit fictitious to me, a bit suspicious, a bit random.  i mean, even if you're christian, & you're ostensibly celebrating the birth of jesus christ, it has been shown that in all likelihood, his birth was not on december 25, and perhaps not in this month, or even in this season.  i figure that this holiday was created to give the economy a little end-of-year stimulation.  i believe most of the other american holidays were created for a similar reason, and thus, i have always felt a there is a lack of connection on these holidays with anything much more than consumerism.  the associated sentiments are nice, but i don't really need an excuse to show love or gratitude to those close to me.  and i certainly don't need to stress about how much i can afford to spend and who i need to get presents for.  what about random acts of kindness?  it was different when i was a teenager and my dad would just hand me the credit card to shop for our family and friends, and i didn't really have to think about the bill on the other side.  as an adult faced with the reality of living check to check, the whole scenario didn't quite make sense.  so for years, i simply declined to participate. 

well, of course, when you have children, that's a bit harder to do.  we've struggled with how to deal with this. we talk about what's really worth celebrating at this time of year, and have avoided stressing out and spending frivolously just 'because' that's what other folks do at this time of year.  at the same time, we don't want to be scrooges, and we do want to take advantage of extra time spent together during this time.  and of course, giving and receiving gifts is fun.

so this year, we're starting a new tradition.  rebirth & the return of light - solstice to new years'.  we will recognize the solstice in some way - perhaps a nice dinner or a small party.  it may not be on the solstice since that's a monday, not sure yet.  solstice is worth celebrating because it signals the beginning of winter - a time of rest & renewal for all life - when everything goes dormant & prepares to spring forth in the warmer weather.  this is a time that's great for hibernating indoors, going for invigorating walks through the woods when your favorite spots look so different, having warm tea, and snuggling together by the fire.  even more cause for celebration is the fact that  little by little,  daylight returns & the days begin to get longer. 

then, to continue the celebration, in honor of reflection & renewal, we look forward to another year together as a family, & we will show our love for one another through gift-giving on new years' eve.  that way, we get more time to make gifts if we like during winter break when everything slows down, and shop for gifts after christmas, when everything's on sale.  then everyone can get a little more of what they want, & we can spend a little less.  brilliant, right?

the other component is the tree.  it is sad to me how many large, beautiful trees are cut down every year just to be enjoyed for a couple weeks in someone's home, then to be discarded onto the curb for trash pickup.  (i'm not bashing you if you do this, but just think about it...) we plan to buy & decorate a live tree, which we can keep  inside until spring if we like, and then plant it in our yard.  we can enjoy it year-round, and watch it grow (for as long as we live here), and let it serve as a reminder of the fun times we had in 2009.

we'll see how it goes this year, and maybe this will be our family tradition for years to come.  whatever you do, think about what it really means to you.  and if you're able, donate something to those in need, in whatever way that makes sense to you.  i am donating a bit of the money i would spend elsewhere during the holiday season to charities that support  causes that touch my heart.  more on that in another post...

happy holidays everyone!

(the image above was taken at alexandria's annual scottish christmas parade in 2006.  the gentleman was a bagpiper and epitome of what i think the real santa would look like.  © artis mooney 2006)