you never know until you're doing it

'Homeschooling' - it's just like parenting in a way.  Well, of course, it is a special subdivision of parenting, if you wind up finding yourself going this route, taking this very special road....

What I mean to say is that before you have kids, you have this idea of what parenting will be like, what your kids may be like, what you think you will do if certain situations arise, what your life will be like living with children, what 'type' of parent you will be, how you will handle issues like discipline, how you will do things differently from your own parents, and so on.... But the fact is, you just really don't know until it happens.  You have all these great ideas, maybe you have read some books, blogs, articles, talked to other friends who do or don't have children, but you really just don't know until you are right there, in the thick of it, in the gloriously messy mixing bowl of family life, figuring it out as you go along.

Without digressing too far into this tangent which could be a whole 'nother post, (and in fact, I think has been...) I will just say that I was raised in a very unconventional way, by a single father whose attitude about childrearing was expressed thus: 'Everyone thinks your whole life has to change when you have a kid, but that's not true.  There's nothing to it!  You just clothe it , feed it, give it love, and go on with your life!'  This was my attitude going into parenthood also, at age 28.  Well, I was in for a big surprise.  I did manage to sustain that perspective to a certain degree for the first couple of years, but of course, things did change.  Undeniably so.  Sooo much has changed in my life over the past 11 years of parenting.  

To return to the original point of my post, before I ever had children, I had an idea that I wanted to homeschool them, for a variety of reasons.  But in my mind, it looked very neat and compartmentalized compared to what it is now.  For one, I visualized a possible scenario in which we would be involved in some type of co-op with 4 other families, and that the kids would rotate houses, which would give each responsible parent one day on and 4 days off to work, freelance, or whatever their needs dictated.  This is part of how I envisioned I would be able to 'afford' doing this as a working artist of one sort or another.  The group of kids would all be together, each day of the week, but under the supervision and tutelage of a different parent each day.  Sounds nice.  Having lessons in various subjects, with each responsible parent getting to focus on their area of strength with the kids, complimentary studies happening....

Well, the fact is that it's difficult enough to even get a co-op scenario to gel for even one day a week, for a number of reasons.  For one, part of the reason most people homeschool is because we actually want to be with our kids all day, or most of the day, pretty much every day.  We formed and sustained a co-op with a few other families that lasted for a couple years (see previous posts) that was really fabulous, and it started off with the intention of being a swap-off situation so that each of us would have a chunk of time most weeks to do some work or whatever we needed to do, but that rarely happened, because we just enjoyed being with our children, each others' children, and each other so much that we just all stayed together most of the time, swapping off responsibility and who would host and give the kids a lesson that week.

And there are so many activities and classes offered for homeschoolers that the kids would miss out on if they were committed to being at someone's house 5 days a week.  Which leads me to why I place 'homeschooling' in quotation marks to begin with.  Homeschooling is actually a bit of a misnomer for most of us.  I tend to refer to what we do instead as 'lifeschooling' because working or 'schooling' at home is only a portion of what we do, and in fact most of our at-home 'lessons' do not really resemble school at home (again, another post).  There is also 'carschooling' (all homeschoolers know this ;), when we are going from place to place, and doing our Spanish lessons - Pimsleur approach to conversational Spanish, or singing, or listening to classical music, jazz, blues, quizzing from 5th grade Brainquest cards while at stop lights, making up stories, and so on.   That's in between our Museum class that I'm teaching, our art classes, Earth Champs meetings, writing class, Shakespeare rehearsal, and so on....  Then there are other real-world experiences like going to the bank, the grocery store, thrift store, comparing prices, budgeting, going to more museums, nature walks, historical tours, bike rides, other field trips... it's boundless really.  That's a big part of where the inspiration of the name for my businesses came from, this overall attitude that
We Can Do Anything We Want.

Reading this, school-going families may think, 'well yeah, of course, we do a lot of those things too.'  Yes, you do.  As homeschool families, we are held accountable (in most places - it depends on where you live, and varies) and called upon to show evidence of learning, thus we may come to value these real-world experiences in a different light as we begin to see the learning opportunities inherent all around us, every single day.

My original point is that homeschooling, or lifeschooling, like parenting, is a beautiful, unfolding, sometimes chaotic, sometimes harmonious, ever-changing process with twists and turns, revelations, successes and failures.... And just when you think you have it all figured out, that you have found 'a way,' life will throw you a curve ball just to keep things interesting, and you have to try again, change it up, find a new way.  Some things change, some things stay the same.  There is so much more to education than schooling.   

Until next time....

'Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.'
-Yates

good to be back

Yes, I'm back!  I have really missed writing here.  Why have I been gone so long?

Well, two reasons: I had a long, drawn-out pregnancy that I really wanted to enjoy, but it was so difficult (a more detailed story of that and the birth, which went fine in the end, later...) that I couldn't really focus on much other than myself, my body, my family, and the little life that was growing in me, more, and more, and more, and more!

laboring away with my enormous melon of a belly and my sweet supportive husband Atom

Tammi checking fetal heart tones

our boy the moment after he was born, when he still had no name...

Takoda Din was born early March 7, at home in a birth tub, almost a full month after his supposed 'due date', after a very long and arduous labor, weighing in at exactly 9.5 pounds.  It was awesome, exhausting, and so incredibly empowering!  My lovely, amazing, and very very patient midwife, Tammi McKinley, was at my house for over 36 hours and never once made me feel pressured in the least.  Atom kept telling me all the right things just when I needed to hear them, when I was totally exhausted and felt like I couldn't go on. 

Reason 2:  So, after I got that over and done with and rebirthed myself yet again, I came to Blogger, and things were all messed up!  They had changed things, and there were some weird bugs going on, and I was so frustrated!  I thought 'What is goin' on here?!  Am I going to have to switch everything over to Word Press?  Or to iWeb where I have much more control of everything visually?'  But, I guess Blogger was having some growing pains too.  But now, today I came here, and everything's more new and pretty fabulous so far!  So I posted something I'd had in draft for months (the Race to Nowhere post).  Thank goodness they got it together, because I really need to write.  And you can tell I'm really excited, because I usually abhor gratuitous use of explanation points!  :)

That's it for now, just wanted to fill you in, in case you've been wondering what happened to me, or happen to notice the huge gap in time here....

'Til next time.... I promise it won't be another 8 months.

And here he is just two weeks ago!  My beautiful angel, baby #3.

sitting up independently for the first time really, at our friend's house <3

Race To Nowhere: A Must-See Film For Parents, Educators, Students, Administrators, And Anyone Who Cares About The Future Of This Country

As children start a new school year, here's some food for thought. If you are a school-going friend, please don't take this as an affront, but a call to action. Here in the Northern Virginia area, many families are blessed to have their children attending pretty decent schools, even good, and in some cases, even great. But just stop to think about what it is that makes a school great. Ask questions. And see this film.



On a Saturday last winter, I had the pleasure of attending a screening of the film, “Race to Nowhere” by parent and first-time film maker Vicki Abeles, as part of the Alexandria Film Festival. I wrote a review for AlexandriaNews.org, the majority of which comprises this blog post that for some reason is just now being published. (Um, I birthed a baby on March 7. ;) Race to Nowhere was one of the winners of the festival, receiving the Audience Award. This is one of the most moving, timely and crucial films I have seen. Abeles said in the Letter From the Director, on the film's site: “Race to Nowhere was inspired by a series of wake-up calls that made me look closely at the relentless pressure to perform that children face today. I saw the strain in my children as they navigated days filled with school, homework, tutoring and extracurricular activities. But it wasn’t until the crisis of my 12-year-old daughter being diagnosed with a stress induced illness that I was determined to do something.” And do something she did.

This film is a great addition to the dialogue in an issue that is a hot topic right now – education reform. Race to Nowhere provides a healthy antidote to many of the current voices on the subject which seem to be missing the point by blaming teachers and still focusing on how to raise test scores. In an era that is still reeling from the effects of No Child Left Behind, what the system really needs is a complete overhaul in not only how we measure success, but the mere definition of the word, as it relates to education and to life. The film echoes my sentiment that what we really need to ask is this – what makes for a successful learning experience? What cultivates a successful – and fulfilled, and happy – human being?  Shouldn’t that be the point of educating our loved ones?

One of the experts in the film states, “I’m afraid our children are going to sue us for stealing their childhoods.” Many children are growing up in a world where every minute of every day is scheduled, and there is little to no down time, time to be bored, time to just be a kid and play. Abeles own daughter Jamey says at one point in the film, “I can’t remember the last time I had a chance to go in the back yard and just run around.”

Countless youth are aware that something is just not right with this formula of get the best grade – participate in as many extracurriculars as possible – so you can get into a good college – so you can get a good job – and make a lot of money. It doesn’t sound so bad, really, as a premise, but at what cost? One of the girls in the film points out that not only do you have to get good grades, but you have to be involved in the arts and play sports, join clubs, and find something unique about yourself so that you stand out when applying for colleges; and that among all of that, you have to figure out who you are, because if you don’t, you’ll lose yourself. At the end of the day, what matters more – how much money you have, or whether you’re truly happy and fulfilled? Abeles herself admits in the film, “Sometimes, parents just need to step back and say, ‘You know what, you’re doing a really good job.’”

Abeles received inspiration for the title of the film when interviewing one of the high school students who commented that students “get caught up in a race to nowhere”. Many students either get caught up in the drive to succeed, and sacrifice everything they can, including their mental, emotional, and physical health, or they tune out, and just decide they don’t care. It’s a Either road often leads to trouble. It’s a widely-known fact, also highlighted in the film, that among the students who do appear to be succeeding, cheating runs rampant. I remember this from my own high school days, 20 years ago.

The film shows that pressure comes from both ends of the spectrum – from highly successful parents who worry that their children won’t be as successful as they are, perhaps higher income parents who want to be able to brag to others about all of the things their child is accomplishing, and from lower-income parents who perhaps never even graduated high school, or never attended college, who not only want better for their children, but demand that the only possible route to college for their kids is to get the best grades so they can get scholarships to attend school. “The pressure comes from the colleges, from the parents, from the government, but it has to stop.”

In the film, the young people who were interviewed were experiencing such pressure to perform and “succeed” that they experienced stress-induced health problems and depression, engaged in food and sleep deprivation so they could stay up well into the night, sometimes all night, to complete their work, used pharmaceuticals to enhance their performance, and in some cases, found themselves institutionalized or hospitalized for eating disorders or mental breakdowns. Parents expressed that the little family time they had to share in the evenings were often filled with conflict and strife, both with their children and their spouses, over homework and grades. And then there is the very serious increasing epidemic of teen suicide. The film was dedicated to a beautiful 13-year-old girl from Abeles’ community (not involved in the movie) who had always been a straight-A student and very successful at all of her endeavors – and several months into the making of the film, committed suicide one weekend, because she was devastated after receiving an F on a math test.

The system at large does not allow for innovation.  There is so much pressure on everyone to “succeed”, including the teachers, that they are forced to “teach to the test” because that is the main method by which everyone’s success is being measured.  Creativity and individuality, in teachers and students, are sacrificed to protocol. One of the important points of the film is that these rote methods of learning are not promoting problem-solving, not producing critical thinkers. “Our students are pressured to perform; they’re not necessarily pressured to learn conceptually and deeply.” “And what is that going to mean, when we have a whole population of dentists and doctors who have been trained from the script?” One of the teachers in the film, who winds up making the very difficult decision to resign from her job out of frustration with the system, says tearfully, “Things that actually get our students to think are pushed aside.” Matt Goldman, Founder and CEO of the Blue Man Group, and Co-Founder of the Blue School in Manhattan, says, “These kids come to the table with this creativity and this love of learning…. Let’s just not take it out of them!”

The problem is not going to be solved by more rigorous testing, by more drilling of facts that lead to high test scores, by firing teachers in schools that fail to “perform”, by cutting funding in “under-performing” schools, by making teachers feel the pressure of losing their jobs if their students don’t test well, by giving bonuses to those who out-perform others.  One of the main messages of the film comes through loud and clear: what we need is a re-definition of success.

As a side note: unfortunately, Obama’s Race to the Top (not directly mentioned in the film), while well-intentioned, is only another piece of the puzzle that is serving to perpetuate the problem. The state of Virginia chose not to participate.

If this is an issue that concerns you, please try to attend, or even host, a screening of this film. Register on the Race to Nowhere website to receive their action points and find out what else you can do, in your life and in your community, to be a part of this movement. There you can also see when & where the next screenings of this film are playing.

Chime in! I'd love to hear your thoughts. Please keep the conversation respectful.

ahh, the joys...

Aaahhh, the joys of mothering...

I'm out front of the house, dead-heading the rose bushes, marveling at mother nature, not even minding getting a little poke from a thorn. I head inside for a quick minute, and ask Adobe, "Where's Phoenix?" She has 'no idea'; she's totally absorbed in creating her comic strip "The Adventures of the Retarded Hamster" - which I believe is in response to her friend's short film she saw this morning. I find Phoenix out back, with his shorts and underwear on the ground near him, spitting on a pile of his own poop, which is already totally covered in flies. Ewww.  "And mommy, I'm cryin' 'bout it."  (That's his new thing when he has an accident.  But he's not crying.  He just likes to say that for some reason - thinks it makes it better.  I guess it's an expression of remorse. :)  Picked the poop up with some t.p. and flushed it.

Luckily, it's warm enough out that I just got the hose and sprayed the residue off the ground, hosed down the undies and shorts, and then hosed him down like the little animal that he is. :)

And luckily, most of the time he's really adorable. Like this. All in a day's work....

collaborative effort - he asked me for 'batman'

making baby

Wow.  Talk about 'where does the time go?'... and two, almost three more months have flown right on by...

Where have I been?  The garden pic from my last post looks so cute and demure compared to the jungle that is out there right now.  Mother Nature truly is amazing.  Yes, there's been lots of growth going on, outside and in.  And that's where I've been.  Making baby.  I'm preggo with number three!  I'm still in a bit of shock hearing myself say this.  I always knew I would have two, and I guess occasionally I entertained the idea that I might have one more than that, if things were going really well.  After Phoenix was born, I was pretty adamant that there would be no more.  But Atom and Adobe both worked on me for awhile, and eventually, especially as Phoenix works his way out of babyhood, the idea of doing it just one more time started to sound appealing.  And here we are.  I have to admit, I'm a little overwhelmed at the prospect of being a mother of three - already, two is quite a job.  But, I figure that a woman who can manage three children has a different command of the world.

This was the roughest first trimester yet.  I have been exhausted.  And puky feeling.  And generally feeling like a zombie.  Luckily, I have not actually thrown up once.  Now I am starting to see the light of day, although I must admit I'm still pretty worthless if I don't have coffee in my system by about 2 in the afternoon.  I've been totally off my routine.  But I feel so fortunate to be able to just be, go with the flow, and allow myself all the extra rest my body has needed, and really experience what my body is going through.

Making a baby is alot of work!  It is truly amazing if you think about what is taking place in a woman's body during this time.  We all begin, every single one of us (our current physical selves, anyway), from a single cell!  Yes, we all learn about this at some point in biology, but how many times in your life have you really stopped to consider this fact and marvel at how miraculous that is? 

And then, the being grows, and grows, and grows.  As a mother, this is a truly surreal experience.  First there are the symptoms and first signs of change happening with your body.  Then, you start to feel little flutters of undeniable evidence that there is indeed another being coming alive inside of you.  The bump begins to grow, and grow, and grow.  Next thing you know, you have this 'alien life form' completely taking over your body.   I am especially fascinated by imagining (having experienced it twice now) what the displacement of all my organs looks like.  Because, believe me, they move.  Muscle memory is amazing.  I can feel all my womb's fellow internals preparing already, which is much earlier than with the other two.  The body remembers; it has been through this before and recognizes the current state of affairs, and it knows full well what is to come.  I can feel things shifting already. 

From Lennart Nilsson's A Child Is Born

Now, I'm at about 17 weeks.  This is probably a good estimate of what my baby looks like right about now.  I've been able to feel it move a few times.  It's quite exciting.  Last night, the kids and I were playing with the stethoscope to see if we could hear anything.  We heard some sounds, but weren't sure if they were the baby or my own body.

I feel so thankful to be able to take time to connect, with my own body, and with the little spirit who is taking form in me now.  And indeed, I feel thankful to do it one more time.  It is a truly miraculous experience, all of it, the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, and birthing of oneself as a mother, even when it's not the first time. 

When I was pregnant with Adobe, there was so much going on, I was so busy, that I don't feel like I really was able to take much time to connect with myself and the little baby inside of me.  I was finishing my Fine Arts degree at the Corcoran, teaching tap 6 days a week and running my performance company, dcArtistry:tap&drum - basically running non-stop like a chicken with my head cut off.  Plus, there was a lot of turmoil in my personal life.  With Phoenix, things were much more stable, and a bit calmer, but I still don't feel like I really took the time to connect with my self and my baby the way I could have.

Fortunately, with both of them, the labor and birth, despite being quite long, were awesome.  Home birth with both, over two weeks 'past due date' with both, over 24 hours labor with both after a month of practice contractions, and Phoenix was born in water.  All quite hard work, and exhausting, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it.  I'm planning another water birth at home and drawing on some new inner resources this time.  It would be nice if things move along a little quicker this time.  You know what they say, "third time's a charm."

Another thing that will bring me a special connection this time around:  I've decided, with enthusiastic encouragement from local midwife Tammi McKinley, to offer childbirth classes specifically geared toward women/couples who plan to birth either at home or a birth center.  The classes will incorporate body-mind connection, visualization, art, spirituality, and ceremony/ritual, with influences from various resources, as well as my own research and experiences.  I'm developing my curriculum now, and plan to launch this fall.  (See boundlessbirth.com ).  I will continue to offer my photography services, as well as Reiki for women & babies, and individualized art sessions.  More on all that to come.